Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Once upon a time in a far off land, an enchanted little golf club nestled on the hills high above a small but very beautiful seaside town called Tidmouth, from which it took its name, writes George Carr.
Now, for many years this little club prospered and all was peace and light upon its greens and fairways and its clubhouse knew only the happiest of times for it was blessed with, not only a cheery barman who answered to the name of Sagpuss, but, also, the catering partnership of Kelly and Shane, suspected by many of being wizards because of the way they conjured up so many magical meals for the happy members.
But one day, just before Christmas, the eye of the ancient, all powerful, and very grumpy Wizard of the Weather, who could be very unpredictable, fell upon this happy little golf club.
He could not, he declared, have ordinary catering wizards stealing his thunder (oh dear!) And so he caused it to rain so hard that the course was often unplayable for days on end, and, furthermore, one day, for sheer spite, he kidnapped the beautiful Kelly.
His ransom note was read out at the club emergency committee meeting held that same morning.
‘Unless you can defeat my selected golf team here named, upon this very day, then your catering lady is doomed for all time.’ There followed a dread pause and then a gasp of horror as the club captain read out the wizard’s selected team – the seven dwarves!
Now it was known fact throughout the golfing fraternity of that far away land that all seven dwarves had been coached by the Brothers Grimm and each one played off single figures yet were excused giving shots on account of the fact that they had once rescued Snow White.
The club president, Rupert, shook his head - a Tidmouth team must be selected and ready to play by midday. Fortunately it was a roll-up day and many golfers were present and eager to rescue the lovely Kelly and defend the club’s honour - to do so they would have to win four of seven singles.
First out, Major Scoop, one of the club’s finest, faced Dopey the dwarf (this is my story - right?) and found himself one up at the turn, but then fell to a barrage of birdies on the back nine to lose on the 18th.
Brave Captain John, himself a somewhat reluctant single handicapper, then defeated the dwarf Bashful two-up to level matters. Howard the Giant improved things further for the club by beating senior dwarf Doc on the 18th and Raging Bill’s excellent victory over Happy left the club with 3-1 advantage and cheers rang out across the valley.
Alas dear reader, the next two matches went to the wicked wizard’s team as Billy Blob and President Rupert fell to Sneezy and Sleepy in spite of playing their best golf, which left things on a knife edge at three games all.
God bless us all then, here comes Little Jack. One up and one to play against Grumpy the dwarf, and Jack starting to tell his eighteenth joke of the round as his opponent addressed his final tee shot. His eyes finally glazing over with this surfeit of good humour, Grumpy succumbs at last and snap-hooks his drive into the magic-carpet park, and so our hero Jack, he of the twinkling eyes and mischievous grin, triumphs at the last. Tidmouth have won and the beautiful Kelly is saved. Hurrah! I hear you cry. But, the wicked Wizard of Weather flew off in highest dudgeon on his magic carpet (an Axminster convertible) casting a spell over his shoulder as he went. Suddenly, driven on a harsh wind, great snowflakes were hissing against the clubhouse windows, and though the surrounding hills, and indeed the small town of Tidmouth below only had a light dusting of snow for Christmas, deep drifts lay over the golf course for a whole month! Don’t you really hate a bad loser? Happy new year everyone!