As regular readers will know, I love a good book. I’ve no friction with fiction and I’m stacked with fact. I’m not fazed by phrase, and I like to get my claws into clause. I'm like Maverick and his pals when they’re all on a daytrip to the library together: I feel the need. The need to read.

So, imagine my delight when I heard that an absolute belter is due for publication at the end of April. It’s a glorious work, a wonder of comic literature that's set to revolutionise the genre. A winner. A tour de force. It’ll hold you spellbound from cover to cover. And, as utter chance would have it, it’s all about me. Me, and what has been rather rudely described as ‘my misadventures’.

I thought you might like to see a prototype cover and title that were being considered until it became apparent that some bunch of chancers had gone and used the concept. Have a look at the comparison pic. Not necessarily accusing anyone of nicking anything. You can make your own minds up about that. I think though we can all agree that there's a strikingly suspicious similarity here. That's all I'm saying.

Anyway, my book’s now called Teej! (short for tedious, obviously). I’ll reveal the actual proper cover next month. For those of you who can’t wait, here’s a link for you. https://www.bookguild.co.uk/bookshop/book/517/teej/. Not sure what you do with this worldwidewoof business but any nerds among you should be able to make sense of it.

MUTT OF THE MONTH

From page to age. We now turn to a right venerable old git. Not me, you cheeky monkeys. I just turned 7 the other week, and, I don’t mind saying that I’m looking pretty good for it thanks very much.

No, I’m talking about Bobi, a prominent Portuguese pooch who’s a seriously senior senhor. How old? He’s only blooming 30 years and (at the time of me bashing out this piece) 277 days old. For any humans reading this, that’s over 215 in your years. That’s older than the current US President (or very nearly, in any case). This means that Bobi is, by some margin, the oldest dog in the world.

What do his owners put it down to? Unrestricted wandering around a nice leafy estate, and human food (unseasoned), that’s what. I’m now planning on using the nosh intel as a defence next time I get caught snaffling something tasty off of somebody’s plate. OK, I may have one of your sausages poking out of my gob, but you can’t get mad: I’m just extending my lifespan.

Bobi’s a Rafeiro do Alentejo, a breed that guards houses, and he’s still very much doing his duty. OK, it might take him a few minutes to get his slippers on and find his specs, but, as long as an intruder’s willing to hang on for long enough, Bobi’ll swing into action and give them the big bark treatment. Until he needs to pop off for a quick nap. Go Bobi!

MENTION OF THE MONTH

Blimey, I’m almost out of space. Shame, because some nice local musicians wanted me to give them a woof out this month.

So, apologies to the Seagrass Trio, a guitar, ukulele and drums combo who bash out some belters, including Buddy Holly and Monkees covers. They don’t do all my faves: no Snoop Dogg or The Dachshund Five, but they do a fab cover of The Beagles’ I’ve Just Seen a Face, so it’s a pity that I can’t squeeze them in.

I’d have mentioned their website (www.seagrasstrio.com) and everything, but just no space, soz, so I can’t fit in that they’re available for parties and gigs all over the local area. Better luck next time, Seagrass Trio!

Toto out.