TOTO TALK - musings of a dog about town

Hello and a happy new year to you, my furry friends. Hope your dogmanay was as good as mine.
I'm very grateful to that nice newspaper chap Sidmouth Harold for letting me write my very own monthly column. I'm not going to waste your time and mine banging on about tedious claptrap. Instead I'm going to give you real news about real things, like...

MUTT OF THE MONTH
I was super-impressed by a young pup by the name of Willow who works in a Scottish school cheering up everyone who's been upset by all the virus unpleasantness. She's been a massive hit with all the children at Glenrothes High School since starting there and apparently truancy has all but disappeared. As have all the biscuits from the staff room. Well done Willow. Sidmouth College Principal Sarah Parsons please note – I’m available if the price is right.

MERCHANT OF THE MONTH
Every month I'll give a woof out to the shop that's given me the best welcome on my walkabouts round town. To kick off, Fields. I always have to drop into this simply splendid Sidmouth store to say hi to my dear friends inside, who never fail to make me feel every inch the VIP I am. I'm willing to overlook the ongoing lack of a dog food department on condition that the tasty treats keep coming. Nothing says 'service as it used to be' like a gert big faceful of gravy bones. Well done Fields Folk – I salute you. Incidentally, being a consummate pro I'll always stay resolutely silent in print about the shops I don't like... although I may blab for snausages, so do send ‘em in.

MUPPET OF THE MONTH
Now, I know I look adorable and altogether really quite saintly, but in truth I do like to ridicule and poke fun when I can. Anyway, I doubt I'll be allowed to give voice to this tendency most months, but I reckon I might be permitted this one. For 120 years, the home of the US president was graced with the presence of a dog. For the last four years, the White House has been utterly dog-free. And for the last four years there's been nothing coming out of there but a big bucket of bonkersness. Coincidence? I think not. I hate to think what state Boris would have us in if Dilyn didn’t have his paws on the wheel. Anyway, see ya Trumpy! It's been a blast. It was fun at first having a president that made me look like a genius. But, you know, a joke's a joke.

MUNCH OF THE MONTH
Venison sausages, on sale now in my shop. OK, they may be deer. But one try and you'll be stag-gered. Ladies and gents – these are nothing short of taste sensations. You know, at heart every dog's a sausage dog.

MOOCH OF THE MONTH
'Where do you like to hang out most days, Totes?' dogs are always asking. 'We want to be just like you'. Of course you do. You're only canine. Well, it's a classic option and every dog who's any dog knows about it, but, for me, you can't beat The Byes. Well done to all those fab peeps at Friends of The Byes who keep it looking so brilliant. And well done too to all those dogs who always insist on their private parcels being popped in the poo pot. Those others who don't give a fig what happens to their bottom business can never be in team Toto. And I know that must rankle.
If you know a great local stomping route that you’d like to share then do let me know. You can reach me at totosofsidmouth@gmail.com.
President Trump in toy form in the shop (Image: Toto's of Sidmouth)