Toto has a mosey around gardens and makes a discovery
- Credit: Toto
I’ve received comments about last month’s column, not all of them 100% cheery. So let me make amends by saying a sincere sorry to all those very ugly dogs who were offended by my use of the word bogwoppit. There, that’s that sorted. (Little tip for you – it doesn’t matter what cards you’ve been dealt by the fizzog fairy. Just get yourself a belting bandana and braces combo and wait for the offers to come piling in).
If you missed last month’s column, worry not. I’m currently in talks with a publisher to put my woof-lings into book form so you can keep a copy close by for when you need a bone mot or two. I can’t remember the name of the publisher though. What’s that you say? Puffin? No, the chap didn’t seem out of breath at all. Anyway, it was something a bit arbitrary, like Detached or Bungalow. Well, it was some random house anyway.
Right, down to business:
MERCHANT OF THE MONTH: It’s all green this and green that nowadays. Each to their own, I say. I like brown. Anyway, I herb on the grapevine about this place, Fillfull, that’s the complete package, except without the packaging. You take in your containers, fill ‘em up and off you pop. Ooh, you might need to pay too – you should probably check. As I was saying, seriously ecotastic stuff – this sage bunch have their fingers on the pulses. It’s a-mung the best places I’ve bean to. It’s scooper-dooper, worth its salt, and peppered with a corn-ucopia of savory things. There’s a big sign on the door saying dogs can cumin, and humans can while away lots of thyme in there (while us canines get our canines into a tasty treat from the nice lady behind the counter). I like to buy a bit of puprika and, naturally, Dill (that’s one for you vintage children’s TV fans). Fennely enough, I always bay for more. And when it comes to overdoing it with their muesli and cornflakes I’m a cereal offender. Ooh, and if you find yourself unexpectedly starkers for some reason, they sell some nice cloves too.
MOOCH OF THE MONTH: Remember me saying about how I was irked by Blackmore Gardens’ folk fest no-dog policy? Not even celeb dogs – what’s the world coming to? Well, I do love all the squir-rels and I thought they might be missing me so the other day I went moseying back there (Mosey. Mosey of the Month. Much better. Will change it next time) and I was super-impressed with things. Super-impressive thing #1: a statue made of flowers. Sign says it’s the BFG. Blooming Flowery Gee-zer? Bloke From Garden? Not sure. Super-impressive thing #2: I’d never seen it before, but there’s a little pet cemetery over on the church side of the Gardens. Who knew? Just local history smarty-pantses I expect. Turns out the stones mark the graves of the pets who used to live in Blackmore Hall when it was a nice big house rather than just a nicely tiled step. So, here’s to Winkie, Benny and the rest of you. Bow wow old friends, bow wow. A lovely spot for you to spend your eternities. There’s a lot to be said for a tomb with a view. Me? Oh, I’ve got something cooking with Rev Matt in St N and St G’s. Let’s just say gold and blooming massive (like the Ark of the Covenant, but with me inside it. Alright then, The Bark of the Covenant, if you insist. Honestly, you and your puns) and placed right by the font where you can’t miss it. I’ve measured up and there’ll be just enough room to get around me to do a christening. Just. Slimmer babies only, maybe.
MUTT MAN OF THE MONTH: Sergeant Pen Farthing. Dogs everywhere salute you.