MATTER OF THE MONTH: Dognapping. No, I'm not talking about what you’ll find in my house after a decent lunch. Pay attention dogs - I actually need to touch on an extremely serious business. Now, I know it’s always nice when an unexpected treat comes your way. I bow to no dog in my enthusiasm for the surprise snausage or the bonus Bonio. However, please be warned that unsavoury types may be dishing out these savouries. People are so downright dog demented at the moment that we’re getting nabbed and handed over to these poor dog deprived desperadoes. So, my advice to you is this: always check with your owner before you accept a treat, especially from a stranger. And don’t go wandering off on your own. And insist on never being left on your own outside a shop – instruct your owner to stick to shops that do the right thing and allow pooch-type patrons to come in. Talking of which….
MERCHANT OF THE MONTH: Housewares. When it comes to do it yourself, they do it for me and nobody does it better. When I have a brush with Chris, Kim and co over there, they always hammer home how gorgeous I am and never make me feel like a spanner. To use plane speaking, they’ve really nailed it and it’s always a wrench to leave the place. And their range of paints always leaves me so emulsional. That's it - no more hardware puns in the pipeline. Do let me know if I’ve plumbed too deep already - won’t be a saw point with me. So, I won’t lathe around. I’ll do my varnishing act and move on.
MUTT OF THE MONTH: I simply must mention Major, the First Dog of the United States, who took office a couple of weeks back. Regular readers will know that I took a very dim view of Trumpy’s dog-free state, which I think was at least partially responsible for his all-round freakiness and timely turf-out. Glad to see Grandpa Joe’s not making the same mistake. Not only has he appointed a dog to assist with governing the country, the chap he has identified as being up to the task is a rescue dog – the first one ever to get his paws on the levers of power. Go Major!
‘MUSEMENT OF THE MONTH: Some of us might be feeling a bit bored right now. Lots of time on our paws and there’s only so many times a dog can watch Pooch Perfect. Well, I can heartily recommend this. Imagine laid out in front of you a world of pockets, ready to yield tidbits galore to an eagerly searching schnozz PickPocket Foragers (from a company based in Newton Pop!) are what I’m talking about, and they’re what every drastically domiciled dog has been woofing out for. So, tell your owner to buy you one of these carpets of curiosity and get yourself into a snuffle kerfuffle. I’m not talking ruggish. It’s a mat that matters more. Ooh, which reminds me…
MOOCH OF THE MONTH: One of the drawbacks of being a canine celeb is the attention I get from demanding wannabes wanting to know how I look so good. Well, it boils down to nice nosh, sound snoozing and wild walks. And one of the wildest walks in these parts is Mutter’s Moor. Particularly nice on a crisp winter’s day. Great smells and insane charging around add up to a super day out in my book. I understand that the views are fab, if that’s your bag, and the birdlife is amazing. I have no idea about birds – squirrels are more my thing, but I gather that the place is choc-full of tree puppets, jamjars and dartboard wobblers. Brilliant.
MUNCH OF THE MONTH: Bedtime Biscuits. Just the thing for a pre-snooze snack. Chock full of lavender and camomile, and I’d tell you more about these soporific sensations but I’ve just had one and I’m getting… a bit… slee….. zzzzzzz
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules here